• 29 September, 2019

The constant feeling of guilt.

The constant feeling of guilt.

The constant feeling of guilt. 1024 767 Cotton Stories

And there I was, sitting at my local coffee shop crying as quietly as I could while trying to keep my baby asleep and sipping that cold cup of coffee… I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All that was left after weeks of struggle was… guilt.

When you find yourself in time were you doubt absolutely everything. From the choice of coffee in the morning to the profession you have. It is very hard to be the best version of yourself. I try my hardest to teach my children to believe in themselves, yet I can’t even believe in me for 10 minutes on days where I doubt myself from the very beginning.

That feeling every single mother feel…guilt

I am that kind of person that now and then questions everything, especially the things that I am very passionate about. When I was younger I had a hard time dealing with the frustration that comes along with the feeling of “doubt”, what is it? Why is it here? Why do I question the things that use to be so certain? Why do I have this constant feeling that it’s not good enough, or that I’m doing it wrong? That I can do it differently? If I had the answer I probably wouldn’t have a single doubt left in my life, but that’s not what it’s about. For me, doubt is my some kind of evaluation of my life. Do I like what I do? Am I doing the best I can or can I do something differently? And as I grew up, I learned to deal with the frustration in a different way, to take the time and sit down and just…go through my life.

As I’m writing this I’ve been having a few rough weeks dealing with motherhood and running a business alongside with raising two kids. AND managing to have some sort of loving relationship with my partner and not just go on “survival mode”. When you only have 24 hours a day and you are on call for your children all those hours it’s hard to manage to take care of all the things you cherish in life. Obviously my kids come in first hand. And after that, I want to say Robert, but it’s not… Cotton takes up every single minute that left between diaper change and night feeds. Which leaves one big part of my life a little left out. It’s okay for a short time, but as the days turn to weeks, and weeks to months its creeps up on you. That feeling every single mother feel…guilt. I wish I could be a better partner, a better parent, a better businesswoman. 

You failed and for the 6th time this week you go to bed questioning your whole existence. 

And here we have it… doubt. Am I a good parent? Am I neglecting my partner? Am I doing the best I can? And each morning I promise myself that tonight I will do something differently, I will cook that meal, I will light some candles and sit down and just ask him about his day. And then reality hits you. Your 4-year-old doesn’t like pasta even though it’s the only thing she’s been eating the past week. Your baby decides not to sleep longer than 20 minutes tops. And all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of world war 3 trying to get one child to bed and the other one to just for once brush her own teeth. That’s when you realize you haven’t even brushed your own teeth today. Or had a shower, when did you have that shower? Yesterday? A week ago? And in the middle of all this, you realize that you won’t have the time or energy to fix that romantic dinner you promised yourself you would prioritize today. You failed and for the 6th time this week you go to bed questioning your whole existence. 

I wish I had more patience. I should have been more effective at work. I wish I was more loving towards my partner. I wish I was all that, but I’m not.