Lets give a heads up for not so positive and happy update this week. I’ve been thinking about not posting at all since I couldn’t really think of anything great to say about the past week. But then I thought, who am I trying to fool? I am not some super person who only goes trough happy days and never feel low or not on top. I am the exact opposite. I feel high on life just as much as I feel the lowest of low, So I decided to just tell it as it is, cause I am pretty sure I am not the only one experiencing the feelings I am right now.
The past few weeks its been creeping up on me that we soon will have 2 kids. We will within just a few months have another life to take care of and he will probably shake things up a bit. We’ve been a family of 3 for nearly 4 years and the past 2 years we’ve really been enjoying the life we live. Everything goes on quite smoothly and we feel that we have a great balance between work and family life. Roberts works a lot, so that means I take care of most things regarding our home and Filippa, which has been hard from time to time, but overall she’s pretty easy and we like our daily routine.
We felt we’d reached a time in life where it would be nice to give her a sibling and we both wanted one more child so it felt like the right time. Here’s where I feel a bit torned. “Am I fucking up our life bringing another baby into this house?” “Can you love the next child as much as the first one? “what if we change our minds? (never gonna happen) Is now really the best time? WHAT IF I CANT HANDLE TWO KIDS? pleeeease don’t give me any hard comments or mom shaming on this, I feel bad enough about this already. But feel free to share your experience during your pregnancy.
Everyone keeps telling me its so great and “he is soon here, don’t you want to fast speed the time?” And Im more like – NO! please stop the time for a bit. I need to get my head around this whole thing. I need to feel ready! will I ever feel ready? I am truly looking forward to our little man, but to be honest I am terrified. I can look at our daughter and burst in to tears knowing that the time we’re its only me and her soon will be over. That she will have to share me with her baby brother. How will she manage that? How can I be there for her the way she needs when I have a baby to put first? Some nights I have nightmares of me forgetting either her or the baby somewhere, and wake up soaking wet and cant catch my breath!
I said to Robert the other day that I wish I was one of those mother who just took things smoothly and didn’t think as much as I apparently do. I am so afraid of fucking things up that I have a hard time focusing on just being there. I know everything probably will fall into place when he is born and hopefully all of my fears will just go away the moment he is placed on my chest but for now, I cant stop feeling stressed over the whole thing. And it seems like every other mother around me just goes with the flow and manage to keep sane all the way, and here I am panicking over the fact that we will have another beautiful baby in our family? But as Robert told me. -You may not feel that you got your shit together, but honestly you are capable of so much more that you think. Did I ever mention I love him? He is my rock, and I truly hope he is right.
Wow, that felt good to put my thoughts out of my head for once. Lets end this with a pic of this 24 weeks belly to show how I feel about this little guy when my worries don’t come to the surface.
What was going trough your mind when you were pregnant?